Un-Identified Void
Empty, alone, scared, it was strange, I am used to those feelings, but I am not used to this….. (Sept. 11th 3 Am, Kuwait, My Bed)
What is this? What am I feeling? I can not put a finger on it, I felt this void, eating me out, like an inner black hole, I felt all the aspects of my personality disappear, I was no longer positive about life, no longer questioning it, excited about it, or even curious.
I don't know how to describe it, but I know what's causing it…
Me leaving… to Egypt, to study, to become what I always dreamed of becoming, a dentist.
What scares me the most is that I am leaving my heart in Kuwait, leaving on a jet plane, to be alone, I couldn’t bare that thought, how can one live without their hearts?
Leaving, I always dreamt of being independent, I hated being told what to do, how to do it, what to feel and how to feel, I always resented that, and I always felt it is simply condescending, and utterly disrespecting to me, still even though I am going to be my own man, I was going to be alone.
I had a question just now, I cant believe that I am being myself again, but that’s a good thing.
My question is, why does every thing we want, has a catch hidden into it?
Why do we have to suffer, even when we get what we want, what we always wanted and what we always dreamed of?
Why, why damn it!
Why do we contradict ourselves in one way or another regarding what we want?
Friendship Goes Out Of Fashion
Friendship Goes Out Of Fashion…
I once, heck I'd be lying if I said once, I numerously met people online, who said that they became closer to me, became my friends, talked to me for hours and hours on the phone, and then just after a period of time, they stopped calling me, talking to me, returning or returning my messages.
Now, I've heard a lot of excuses, but there is this one guy, this particular guy that I wrote an article about him in my blog – lost of convictions – who stopped his connection with me, just a plain disconnection, he had told me before that he had done this move on a particular guy who did him wrong once, but what I can't recall me doing him any harm, so since wondering is a full time job, I started to wonder, why did he disconnect me, why did he stop returning my calls, why did he block me on msn – I have this program, it tells me who blocked me – on most importantly. Why did he do the same exact move, that he always, always! Told me not to do, or use on a friend?
I began to wonder, was it because I am rude sometimes, or most of the times? Was it because in our conversations I always got mad, and he wasn’t allowed to get mad, - ps mad as in stood guard of my opinion -, was it because I had a dark or a sick sense of humor – may I say that he always told me he liked it! -, was it because I am rough in certain situations, or because I lie about my feelings sometimes, perhaps its because that I am moody, because I talk about sex too much, maybe it is because I space out and act like I live anywhere but Kuwait?
I kept on wondering, and the more I wonder the more RED, I become, now you might say Sollai, you mean blue! But as the divine Audrey Hebron said in breakfast at tiffany's " the blues is when you feel that you're a little fat or so… " that’s the blues, but the red, oh my! Its when you're afraid of something you don't know, like am I to face the problem I had with this guy, with more friends, wither its my male or female friends, am I going to face this again?
I mean is that it?
Is that all there is?
What kills me the most that "its" Unresolved, and when I say it's, I refer to the unknown state I have between my friend and I, is it a problem, is it a hiatus? OR is there a problem at all?
Where ever we go in the world, we crash into people, and then we - as humans - get a chance or two to resolve or issues with them, wither they are old friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, lovers, husbands, wives, or what ever, we just get the chance... what I am wondering about right now is, why don't I seem to get that chance, the chance to resolve my issues...
Why did our friendship go out of fashion?
Does it happen! Do friendships go out of fashion?
Why didn’t I get a chance to know if there were issues?
Why didn’t I get the chance to resolve those issues?
Once again I am slapped on the face, once again, I trusted the wrong person to be my friend!
Once again, I was proven wrong!
I once, heck I'd be lying if I said once, I numerously met people online, who said that they became closer to me, became my friends, talked to me for hours and hours on the phone, and then just after a period of time, they stopped calling me, talking to me, returning or returning my messages.
Now, I've heard a lot of excuses, but there is this one guy, this particular guy that I wrote an article about him in my blog – lost of convictions – who stopped his connection with me, just a plain disconnection, he had told me before that he had done this move on a particular guy who did him wrong once, but what I can't recall me doing him any harm, so since wondering is a full time job, I started to wonder, why did he disconnect me, why did he stop returning my calls, why did he block me on msn – I have this program, it tells me who blocked me – on most importantly. Why did he do the same exact move, that he always, always! Told me not to do, or use on a friend?
I began to wonder, was it because I am rude sometimes, or most of the times? Was it because in our conversations I always got mad, and he wasn’t allowed to get mad, - ps mad as in stood guard of my opinion -, was it because I had a dark or a sick sense of humor – may I say that he always told me he liked it! -, was it because I am rough in certain situations, or because I lie about my feelings sometimes, perhaps its because that I am moody, because I talk about sex too much, maybe it is because I space out and act like I live anywhere but Kuwait?
I kept on wondering, and the more I wonder the more RED, I become, now you might say Sollai, you mean blue! But as the divine Audrey Hebron said in breakfast at tiffany's " the blues is when you feel that you're a little fat or so… " that’s the blues, but the red, oh my! Its when you're afraid of something you don't know, like am I to face the problem I had with this guy, with more friends, wither its my male or female friends, am I going to face this again?
I mean is that it?
Is that all there is?
What kills me the most that "its" Unresolved, and when I say it's, I refer to the unknown state I have between my friend and I, is it a problem, is it a hiatus? OR is there a problem at all?
Where ever we go in the world, we crash into people, and then we - as humans - get a chance or two to resolve or issues with them, wither they are old friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, lovers, husbands, wives, or what ever, we just get the chance... what I am wondering about right now is, why don't I seem to get that chance, the chance to resolve my issues...
Why did our friendship go out of fashion?
Does it happen! Do friendships go out of fashion?
Why didn’t I get a chance to know if there were issues?
Why didn’t I get the chance to resolve those issues?
Once again I am slapped on the face, once again, I trusted the wrong person to be my friend!
Once again, I was proven wrong!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)