Some people, actually a lot of people shiver and trample when they hear about death, but some are brave enough to talk about it, I want to keep this topic short, so here it goes, where do you want to die?
I heard the beautiful Dalida, sing this song "Mourir Sur Scène", which means I want to die on stage, see, Dalida knew where she wanted to die, Dalida said she was born on that stage, when the curtain was up, her childhood began, when the lights were on, she became a woman, and she died when the curtains fell.
See I envy Dalida, she knew where she wanted to die, and she gave her life away, when she knew she couldn’t be certain she will die on it.
I don’t know for sure where I want to die, but one of my greatest fears is to die alone, that’s why I always stayed in bad relationships, kept bad friends, you know, so I wont die in an empty room, on a cold bed, with thick air, dark lights, no that’s not where I want to die!
Neither in a hospital, with an even colder metal bed, everything is white, faking the tunnel to heaven, with peeping machines, ringing the alarm, telling every one he is going under, with that smell, that clean sick smell, and the ironic effort of most of the doctors to save me, even though most of them cant save them selves!
I don’t know where do I want to die, i dont have to know, all i know is, if i die somewhere with someone i love, i would be glad, happy and satisfied!
what kind of coffee are you?
You know, up until those numerous brands of coffee shops opened, coffee wasn’t really that big of a deal! You see, people met for drinks, juice, gelato, what ever! But they simply met, it's just in the past few years, coffee, became the number one drink, every one wanted coffee, that’s what I feel, at least, what I feel happened in Kuwait, so I asked myself, myself, what kind of coffee are you?
I always thought of myself as a regular coffee kind of guy, you see I always order the same thing, black coffee, I simply put some sugar in it, so its not so sweet or bitter, its just in the middle, I take it with a biscotti, and believe me I just knew its called a biscotti, I used to call it sweet dry pound cake, or I take it with a small chocolaty thingy.
Any way, that’s who I am, regular black coffee, with some sugar in it, now there is some people, oh! Wait, a lot of people whop might disagree, some might say I am a Mexican coffee, all spicy and bitter, some might say I am French coffee, sweet and tingly, some might say I am caramel drizzled coffee, I don’t care, as long as I think I am a black coffee, then I am a black coffee, because black coffee is always there for you when you need it, it tastes good, and its very romantic, we always see lovers drinking coffee in movies, black coffee, and there is a song called cup of coffee by this band, my favorite band "garbage", it talks about the last cup of coffee they shared.
Now, the question is, what kind of coffee are you, why, and what does it resemble?!
I would love to know!
I always thought of myself as a regular coffee kind of guy, you see I always order the same thing, black coffee, I simply put some sugar in it, so its not so sweet or bitter, its just in the middle, I take it with a biscotti, and believe me I just knew its called a biscotti, I used to call it sweet dry pound cake, or I take it with a small chocolaty thingy.
Any way, that’s who I am, regular black coffee, with some sugar in it, now there is some people, oh! Wait, a lot of people whop might disagree, some might say I am a Mexican coffee, all spicy and bitter, some might say I am French coffee, sweet and tingly, some might say I am caramel drizzled coffee, I don’t care, as long as I think I am a black coffee, then I am a black coffee, because black coffee is always there for you when you need it, it tastes good, and its very romantic, we always see lovers drinking coffee in movies, black coffee, and there is a song called cup of coffee by this band, my favorite band "garbage", it talks about the last cup of coffee they shared.
Now, the question is, what kind of coffee are you, why, and what does it resemble?!
I would love to know!
Madre Laysh?!
دايما يسالني هالسؤال... وبما إني مغرور... وعندي إيمان خاطئ بإني أعرف كل شي... أعصب... لأن ما عندي إجابة... أو بالأصح عندي ألف لإجابة....
سلمان ليش تحبني؟
ما يدري, ان دنيتي من دونه سراب, ما يدري...ان في حياتي مر حب, لكن حب نفس حبه ما مر....
الكل يقول " سلمان إنت ما تعرف الحب" واهو من ضمنهم.
شلون ما اعرف الحب, وانا احبه؟ شلون ما اعرف الحب وانا متمسك فيه مع انه اكبر غلط؟ شلون؟
احس ساعات اني استغله لما اشووف طيبته وياي, احس ساعات انه يستغلني لما يهملني, او لما يكون على طبيعته ويقول لي كلمه تزعجني او "تغثني" او تجرحني, بحكم الميانه طبعا, لكن انا بطبيعتي الرومانسيه, طوول الوقت أبي أنحب, ابي انلم, ابي ينقال لي " أحبك " بس هااا, مواي أحبك, أبيها بالنغمة اللي تريح القلب,مو اللي تعله.
مادري ليش أحبه!
بس مو من عادتي اني اخلي شي ما اعرفه جذي, لازم ادور إجابات!
يعني مادري ليش احبه, بس ... يمكن لانه يحبني؟ يمكن لانه يغليني؟ - مع ان الغلا كله عنده – يمكن لانه يخاف علي, يحميني من كل شي, ما عمري احتجت شي الا واهو مجهزه قبل لا اقووله, يمكن علشان جذي؟
او يمكن لاني ما عمري شفت احد جذي, ينرفزني, يطفرني, يغثني!
بس هم اكون اسعد الناس لما اكون وياه
تدرون, ساعات ناس وااااااايد يتحرشون فيني, يحاولون يطفروني, بس مهما قالوا ما اهتم, يعني... ما يمر كلامهم الا مرور الكرام, بس جذي, حجي...
اما اهو؟ لاااا! ما يقول كلمه, الا وافسرها الف تفسير ...
ما ادري ليش, احس انه قطعه مني, والحين هالقطعه غابت...
مادري ليش... احس انه يفهمني...
بس اوقاته راحت... بس ذكرياته اللي ضلت...
او بالاصح...
انا اللي رحب وخذت صورته وياي...
خذت ذكرياته وياي...
وخايته اهو بكبره!
ويا ليتني ما خليته!
سلمان ليش تحبني؟
ما يدري, ان دنيتي من دونه سراب, ما يدري...ان في حياتي مر حب, لكن حب نفس حبه ما مر....
الكل يقول " سلمان إنت ما تعرف الحب" واهو من ضمنهم.
شلون ما اعرف الحب, وانا احبه؟ شلون ما اعرف الحب وانا متمسك فيه مع انه اكبر غلط؟ شلون؟
احس ساعات اني استغله لما اشووف طيبته وياي, احس ساعات انه يستغلني لما يهملني, او لما يكون على طبيعته ويقول لي كلمه تزعجني او "تغثني" او تجرحني, بحكم الميانه طبعا, لكن انا بطبيعتي الرومانسيه, طوول الوقت أبي أنحب, ابي انلم, ابي ينقال لي " أحبك " بس هااا, مواي أحبك, أبيها بالنغمة اللي تريح القلب,مو اللي تعله.
مادري ليش أحبه!
بس مو من عادتي اني اخلي شي ما اعرفه جذي, لازم ادور إجابات!
يعني مادري ليش احبه, بس ... يمكن لانه يحبني؟ يمكن لانه يغليني؟ - مع ان الغلا كله عنده – يمكن لانه يخاف علي, يحميني من كل شي, ما عمري احتجت شي الا واهو مجهزه قبل لا اقووله, يمكن علشان جذي؟
او يمكن لاني ما عمري شفت احد جذي, ينرفزني, يطفرني, يغثني!
بس هم اكون اسعد الناس لما اكون وياه
تدرون, ساعات ناس وااااااايد يتحرشون فيني, يحاولون يطفروني, بس مهما قالوا ما اهتم, يعني... ما يمر كلامهم الا مرور الكرام, بس جذي, حجي...
اما اهو؟ لاااا! ما يقول كلمه, الا وافسرها الف تفسير ...
ما ادري ليش, احس انه قطعه مني, والحين هالقطعه غابت...
مادري ليش... احس انه يفهمني...
بس اوقاته راحت... بس ذكرياته اللي ضلت...
او بالاصح...
انا اللي رحب وخذت صورته وياي...
خذت ذكرياته وياي...
وخايته اهو بكبره!
ويا ليتني ما خليته!
the funnies thing i realized these days
As I got on the air plane, I felt an electric bolt running through my body, it caused me to feel like a lost wreck in the deepest sea, I realized something, it's an un-usual thing to realize, quite surprising one might say, but it was true.
I realized something, and it wasn’t that I am going to be trained to occupy my future job with excellence, it wasn’t that I am going to be on my own for the first time, no it isn’t, I was forced to take a pause and realize, I am no longer desired!
You see, I was always on call, people called me from around the world, people in Kuwait called me so I could get together with them, people outside of Kuwait called me to say that they are coming to Kuwait, that I should book them some space, I was always on the phone with some one, always talking about going out, being *FRIENDS*, doing what *FRIENDS* do.
But when I told every one that I am leaving, the answer I got is "have a safe trip, be safe", only a few wanted me to say goodbye properly, only a few wanted to see me, and yes I have to admit, and be true to myself, many have said "lets see you before you leave", but I knew they didn’t mean it, they did not want anything to do with a goner, no one could get what they wanted from me, and they realized that when I told them I was leaving, and you might say, Sollai, be fair now, they asked to see you, but I've been lying most of my life, and I am considered a professional liar, so I know when some one is lying, which gives me the ability to bust any one whose faking it.
I am thankful though, now I know to whom I matter, and if you know me well, you would know that I always wondered who my real friends were, and how could I judge.
Now you might say, some people can't make it, you left at noon, you left at 12:30 pm, we have jobs they have jobs, they can't all see you or say goodbye at the air port, and you might Sollai, you told us when you got the news, you told us a day before you traveled, we all were either busy, or away some where, I know that makes sense, but I could tell if you really wanted to see me or not, I could tell from your tone, I could tell, my intuition works sometimes, and the day before I left it was on, and it only picked up three or four signals of true feelings, and countless beeps on the liars radar.
I got in the air plane, a boring flight, a scary landing, a nice Bulgarian flight attendant, and I forgot, it was an empty plane with weird few passengers, nothing else to say though, except maybe that I had a tasteless rubbery chicken, and it took me half an hour to get all my bags.
Now I won't ask questions, I won't wonder, I am in a foreign country now, it's my first day, it’s a new story, it’s a whole new issue, a whole new topic, just let me breathe a little bit and I will tell you what happened later!
I realized something, and it wasn’t that I am going to be trained to occupy my future job with excellence, it wasn’t that I am going to be on my own for the first time, no it isn’t, I was forced to take a pause and realize, I am no longer desired!
You see, I was always on call, people called me from around the world, people in Kuwait called me so I could get together with them, people outside of Kuwait called me to say that they are coming to Kuwait, that I should book them some space, I was always on the phone with some one, always talking about going out, being *FRIENDS*, doing what *FRIENDS* do.
But when I told every one that I am leaving, the answer I got is "have a safe trip, be safe", only a few wanted me to say goodbye properly, only a few wanted to see me, and yes I have to admit, and be true to myself, many have said "lets see you before you leave", but I knew they didn’t mean it, they did not want anything to do with a goner, no one could get what they wanted from me, and they realized that when I told them I was leaving, and you might say, Sollai, be fair now, they asked to see you, but I've been lying most of my life, and I am considered a professional liar, so I know when some one is lying, which gives me the ability to bust any one whose faking it.
I am thankful though, now I know to whom I matter, and if you know me well, you would know that I always wondered who my real friends were, and how could I judge.
Now you might say, some people can't make it, you left at noon, you left at 12:30 pm, we have jobs they have jobs, they can't all see you or say goodbye at the air port, and you might Sollai, you told us when you got the news, you told us a day before you traveled, we all were either busy, or away some where, I know that makes sense, but I could tell if you really wanted to see me or not, I could tell from your tone, I could tell, my intuition works sometimes, and the day before I left it was on, and it only picked up three or four signals of true feelings, and countless beeps on the liars radar.
I got in the air plane, a boring flight, a scary landing, a nice Bulgarian flight attendant, and I forgot, it was an empty plane with weird few passengers, nothing else to say though, except maybe that I had a tasteless rubbery chicken, and it took me half an hour to get all my bags.
Now I won't ask questions, I won't wonder, I am in a foreign country now, it's my first day, it’s a new story, it’s a whole new issue, a whole new topic, just let me breathe a little bit and I will tell you what happened later!
Un-Identified Void
Empty, alone, scared, it was strange, I am used to those feelings, but I am not used to this….. (Sept. 11th 3 Am, Kuwait, My Bed)
What is this? What am I feeling? I can not put a finger on it, I felt this void, eating me out, like an inner black hole, I felt all the aspects of my personality disappear, I was no longer positive about life, no longer questioning it, excited about it, or even curious.
I don't know how to describe it, but I know what's causing it…
Me leaving… to Egypt, to study, to become what I always dreamed of becoming, a dentist.
What scares me the most is that I am leaving my heart in Kuwait, leaving on a jet plane, to be alone, I couldn’t bare that thought, how can one live without their hearts?
Leaving, I always dreamt of being independent, I hated being told what to do, how to do it, what to feel and how to feel, I always resented that, and I always felt it is simply condescending, and utterly disrespecting to me, still even though I am going to be my own man, I was going to be alone.
I had a question just now, I cant believe that I am being myself again, but that’s a good thing.
My question is, why does every thing we want, has a catch hidden into it?
Why do we have to suffer, even when we get what we want, what we always wanted and what we always dreamed of?
Why, why damn it!
Why do we contradict ourselves in one way or another regarding what we want?
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