Un-Identified Void

Empty, alone, scared, it was strange, I am used to those feelings, but I am not used to this….. (Sept. 11th 3 Am, Kuwait, My Bed)

What is this? What am I feeling? I can not put a finger on it, I felt this void, eating me out, like an inner black hole, I felt all the aspects of my personality disappear, I was no longer positive about life, no longer questioning it, excited about it, or even curious.

I don't know how to describe it, but I know what's causing it…
Me leaving… to Egypt, to study, to become what I always dreamed of becoming, a dentist.
What scares me the most is that I am leaving my heart in Kuwait, leaving on a jet plane, to be alone, I couldn’t bare that thought, how can one live without their hearts?
Leaving, I always dreamt of being independent, I hated being told what to do, how to do it, what to feel and how to feel, I always resented that, and I always felt it is simply condescending, and utterly disrespecting to me, still even though I am going to be my own man, I was going to be alone.

I had a question just now, I cant believe that I am being myself again, but that’s a good thing.
My question is, why does every thing we want, has a catch hidden into it?
Why do we have to suffer, even when we get what we want, what we always wanted and what we always dreamed of?
Why, why damn it!
Why do we contradict ourselves in one way or another regarding what we want?